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My partner and I are both architects, though he is older than I am. He’s been offered a partnership in a practice in the south of England and he wants to accept it. The problem is that I love my job here, I’m progressing well and I get on well with my colleagues. I love where we live too. My partner seems to think his career is more important than mine and is just assuming that I’ll hand in my notice and move with him. I feel hurt and angry at his thoughtlessness and his total lack of respect for my position. The problem is I love him a lot and we are best friends; I don’t want to give up on our relationship.
Anonymous

Answer
How very difficult for you, no wonder you feel hurt and angry. However, is it possible that he just got carried away with excitement and perhaps felt flattered by the offer of a partnership? It doesn’t excuse his behaviour but maybe it could explain it. You describe him as your best friend and if he really loves you he’ll want you to be happy too.
The keys to a good long term relationship are communication and compromise. When partners really love each other and are best friends it’s nearly always possible to find a way through. In a situation like this it’s important to have a calm, caring frank discussion including openness about how you both people feel. Clearly, in a scenario like this one partner has to give way if they are to stay together; unless commuting is an option. However, when partners are lovers and best friends it’s usually possible to find a resolution. The most important thing is that once an agreement has been reached there’s no resentment and anger that could spoil the future of the relationship.

My child recently accidentally got onto a site on the internet they shouldn’t have… I know we should have had filters and protection on there but we didn’t and now I just feel so bad about it and can’t stop thinking about how we’ve ruined their innocence! Every time something comes up on TV that’s an advert about protecting kids from that it just triggers so much guilt inside!
Anonymous

Answer
There’s no such thing as a perfect parent and we will all get things wrong sometimes. It’s time to stop beating yourself up for something you can’t undo. The main thing is that you love your kid and care deeply about their wellbeing; if you didn’t you wouldn’t be worrying about internet parental control settings. You’ve clearly learned from your mistake and I’m sure you’ve set those filters now, so maybe it’s time to stop worrying and concentrate on enjoying being with your kid.

I don’t know if you can help but I feel guilty all the time. I’ve always thought I was a nice person but ten years ago I told a lie about a colleague to get a promotion. I can’t stop thinking about it and the guilt is getting worse. I feel as though my whole career is built on a lie.
Anonymous

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Unfortunately, nothing can be done to change the past but sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves for things and move on with our lives. Perhaps telling a lie about a colleague was not a good choice at the time but one poor choice does not make someone a bad person. Challenging negative thoughts about ourselves and replacing them with more helpful ones can be a way to move forward. ‘People who continue to do well in their career do so because they are hard- working, reliable and are good at what they do’ may be a possible place to start.

The other men at work are always discussing sport and having bets but I hate sport. I pretend I like it and I watch it just so I can know the scores and who won. I like reading a good thriller or a walk on the moors and I like taking photographs of wildlife and seascapes, not sport. I pretend to be like them at work because I want to fit in. Trouble is I’m not being me.
Anonymous

Answer
We don’t have to be like everybody else. We are all unique and we can be ourselves; it’s ok to be different. Being different doesn’t necessarily mean people won’t like us and we won’t fit in. Fitting in is partly about showing an interest in what the others are talking about, it’s true, but it’s more about feeling at ease with who we are. We can come across as false if we try to pretend to be someone we’re not. When we feel comfortable with who we are it’s more likely others will feel comfortable with us.
It’s fair to say that there are a few people out there who aggressively dislike difference and they’re bullies. Fortunately, they’re very much in the minority. We feel at ease with ourselves when we like who we are but some people may struggle with this; especially if they’ve been bullied. Bullying can cause lasting trauma but therapy can help.