Category Archives: blog

I’m Struggling With Grief

My husband died nine months ago and I’m struggling to cope. We’d been married for fifteen years. I had a lot of support at first but as time went by the support gradually dropped away. I think people assume I’ve got over by now and I don’t understand why I still feel so angry and tearful. I miss my husband so much and I don’t know how to get over it
Anonymous

Answer
I don’t think people ever “get over” a loss like yours. I think it’s more a matter of trying to make a different life for yourself without the person you love. The grief will get easier to live with in time but I’m afraid grieving is a process and there are no short cuts. There are five main stages of grief and they can be experienced in any order; shock, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It really helps to talk to someone who understands grief; CRUSE Bereavement Care is a very good national organisation and in some areas there are local bereavement support groups. Your GP surgery may have helpful contact details. For complicated grief, such as circumstances involving suicide or the death of a child, professional bereavement counselling may be beneficial

Is stress at work making you unhappy?

There’s Good News As Well As Bad News!

In this blog I hope to address the issue of stress in the workplace in the hope that it will help people to recognise stress before it results in feeling unable to cope. I also hope to show people how they can not only take steps to avoid undue pressure at work but also what to do if it’s already becoming problematic. So there’s good news as well as bad news!

The Bad News

Stress is known to cause high levels of absenteeism at work, some of it long-term, and to reduce productivity. According to the Chartered Institute of Personnel Development stress has become the most common reason for long-term absenteeism, above back problems, cancer, stroke and heart disease.

Work brings structure to our lives, creates relationships and provides satisfaction. A certain amount of pressure can help us. Many of us perform better under pressure. However, if the workload is too high, deadlines are looming and support, resources and understanding are in short supply, the pressure can become stressful. Fortunately, poor working conditions may be in the minority but difficult colleagues, unrealistic expectations, long working hours, lack of proper breaks, bullying and harassment are among factors may cause additional stress.

Pressure in itself is not necessarily bad for people ; some people thrive on it, but it becomes stressful when it exceeds a person’s ability to cope. However, stress triggers a physiological reaction in the body commonly known as the fight or flight response and can sometimes result in panic attacks. Hormones are released that increase the heart rate and raise the blood pressure; breathing accelerates, the heart goes into overdrive and we become hypervigilant; it can feel highly unpleasant and sometimes frightening when we experience this reaction. Many situations can set off the fight or flight response and if we are experiencing additional pressures such as family demands, financial worries, separation, moving house etc. we become vulnerable to reaching the stage of no longer feeling able to cope.

It’s important to recognise symptoms of stress and to tackle it as early as possible. Allowing the pressure to build until we struggle to cope makes it much harder to resolve the negative impact which can be psychologically, emotionally, physically and behaviourally damaging. People react differently to stress and there are many variables that determine at what level someone may become unable to cope.

Symptoms of stress include loss of concentration, loss of motivation and commitment, irritability, aggression, withdrawal and mood swings. People may begin to feel less self-confident, disappointed with themselves, anxious and perhaps depressed. Physical symptoms include indigestion, headaches, chest pain, insomnia, muscle tension and back pain. Unhealthy behaviour patterns may develop concerning eating, sleeping, sociability, smoking and alcohol intake.

The Good News

There are many steps we can take to avoid or address stress may include saying ‘no’ to unreasonable workloads and deadlines with a clear explanation of the rationale. Other steps are developing relationships at work to create a support network, working reasonable hours, taking regular breaks and using your full holiday allowance. Maintaining a healthy work/life balance, improving the working environment where possible, eating a healthy diet and taking walks for fresh air and exercise are also beneficial.

Exercise may sound boring to some people but it helps reduce stress hormones and stimulates the release of endorphins causing us to feel good. There are many ways to get good exercise and doing it with a friend or a group can be more fun. Five good exercise sessions a week are recommended combined with controlled breathing and good relaxation techniques. Controlled breathing and relaxation techniques blog coming up soon, so watch this space!

Stress sufferers may choose to talk to a trusted colleague or friend for support before talking to a manager. It’s important to talk about our difficulties, and how we feel, in a calm non-confrontational way. Managers have a duty to help resolve the cause or problem. Most companies have policies for dealing with bullying and harassment. In extreme cases union or legal representation may be advisable.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by stress, and perhaps depressed or anxious, don’t suffer in silence or feel that your problems are too insignificant to warrant getting help. If you’ve already spoken to a friend or perhaps don’t have anyone you can trust to talk to, seeing a professional counsellor may help you. It’s good to talk so that you feel less alone and a professional can help you to put some coping strategies in place.

gerri@gerricrossleycounselling.co.uk 07758 468 231 @gccounselling

My Best Friend’s Boyfriend is Cheating on Her

Last week I saw my best friend’s boyfriend with another woman. This woman’s been trying to get her hands on him for ages. I don’t know whether to tell my friend because she would be devastated. They’re getting married next year.
Anonymous

Answer
This is extremely tricky and difficult for you. I think we need to examine the all- round situation here.
Firstly, there’s the question of whether there can be any doubt about what was seen because being wrong could ruin a relationship and the future lives of two people. However, if there is definitely no doubt about what was seen then speaking up could save two people from making a very big mistake. If a man really loves a woman he won’t allow himself to be lured away by someone else; he won’t be prepared to cheat and hurt the woman he loves, no matter how tempted he is. Sometimes we just have to weigh up the facts and act according to our conscience; a huge responsibility and not an enviable situation to be in.

Sometimes I think I’m Too Hard On My Kids

I see other Mums letting their children get away with all sorts and sometimes I wonder if I’m too hard on my kids. I hate rudeness and bad language so I want them to grow up being polite and respecting other people. It’s hard to bring up your children to behave well and have good values when a lot of other parents at their school don’t teach their children to care. Sometimes I feel I’m mean compared with other Mums.

Answer
Yes it’s hard for parents when they feel they’re swimming against the tide when it comes to instilling respect and good behaviour. It’s worthwhile though; the children who know how to behave well and respect others will be the ones that grow up likely to do better in life. Children feel loved and secure if they have firm, consistent boundaries and they will thank you when they’re older. They’ll kick up a fuss now though so don’t let the little monkeys wear you down!

I Moved to a New Area and Now I Feel Lonely

Two years ago I changed my job and moved to a new area. I’m single and I don’t have children so I’m finding it difficult to make friends. I get on well with my colleagues but most of them have families and lead busy lives. At the moment all I seem to do is sit at home and watch the telly. I feel lonely and isolated.  Ideally I would like to have someone special in my life.
Anonymous

Answer
No one is going to meet people by sitting at home watching the telly so getting out and about is what it takes to make friends. Joining one of many local interests groups and activities is one way of meeting new people; most of these can be found online as can special interest holidays. Those who are a little shy may find joining new groups difficult but most of us find it a little awkward at first. However, if we are prepared to take the risk of feeling outside our comfort zone for a while joining groups can prove very rewarding. There’s nothing quite like having a sense of belonging and we never know when someone special may come along.