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Grief and Grieving

People Grieve Differently
Grief is what we experience when we lose someone we’ve loved and the depth of our grief is a measure of our attachment and love. Grief is what we feel on the inside and we all grieve differently. It’s important to remember that what is seen on the outside is not necessarily a reflection of what is happening on the inside. We may think that someone has “got over” their grief because they aren’t tearful in public. However, that person may be very good at hiding their feelings. It’s not really helpful to think in terms of someone “getting over” losing a loved one. Many people never “get over” it but, eventually, they may succeed in making a different life without that person.

How Can We Support a Grieving Person?
There’s nothing we can say to help a grieving person feel better but what we can do is let them know how sorry we are that this has happened to them. The best way we can help is to let them know that we can’t understand how they must be feeling but that we are thinking about them, perhaps praying for them; that we are willing to be a listening ear and offer support and practical help. There is a lot to do when someone dies, especially admin work and some moral support may well be appreciated and advice if requested. They may appreciate help with other practical matters such as shopping, cooking, gardening, housework etc. if it can be done in a low key way without intruding on their grief.

What Should We Not Do and Say?
When someone we know has lost a loved one we often don’t know what to say; we feel uncomfortable and we may even feel tempted to avoid them. Avoidance can lead to the grieving person feeling isolated and lonely. If the grieving person is someone close to you a much needed hug may be appreciated.
We can avoid unhelpful remarks such as “I know how you feel” and “time is a great healer”. Time may be a factor in healing grief but it’s not a helpful remark for the bereaved person at that moment. Also, please remember that grief often lasts for years so please don’t speak in terms of someone “moving on”; this can be extremely distressing. It takes as long as it takes and there is no way of measuring it.

The Funeral
Funerals are an important and helpful way of saying goodbye. In Britain we tend to try and avoid showing our emotions and we worry about crying in case we cause additional distress to the family. However, the family is already distressed so it’s not likely to make any difference. Crying is a good thing because bottling up our sadness is bad for our mental health. Families and friends usually appreciate people turning up to pay their respects and see it as a measure of how loved the person they’ve lost is. We just need to be sensitive towards the bereaved.

The Grieving Process
The grieving process can be vary in length; for some it may be a few months and for others it may take many years. There are said to be five stages of grief; Shock, anger, sadness, guilt and acceptance. Though we may not experience all of them and we may not experience them in any particular order. Every grieving person is different; sometimes shock comes in the form of denial, sometimes sadness comes in the form of depression and sometimes guilt comes in the form of bargaining. We will always miss the person we’ve lost; there will always be a hole in our lives that no one else can fill. However, the acute pain does gradually diminish and, although we don’t want to, we do eventually adapt to a different life without the person we love.

Complicated Grief
We may experience grief or loss at many times in our lives and there is no way to quantify it; a significant loss, such as separation or divorce, may be more painful to someone than a death. Sometimes grief is complicated such as when a child or young person dies, when someone commits suicide or when combined with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; this may require specialist help such as professional counselling. Sometimes people feel stuck in grief and again may need professional help to be able to move forward.

The Physical Distress of Grief
Most people don’t realize that with grieving not only do we experience emotional pain, the desperation and yearning for our loved one to come back to us, but we also experience physical pain. As with the grieving process we are unique individuals and we have different experiences; there may be a variety of physical symptoms including fatigue, joint and muscle pain, nausea, indigestion and headaches. Some people have nightmares or vivid dreams in which their loved one returns; then they wake to the harsh reality that they’ve gone. People often imagine that they see their loved one when they are out and about, only to have their hopes dashed when they realize it’s someone else. Although these things can be distressing they are a normal part of grieving and will fade away in time.

Help is Available
Help is available for those who want it; some people will and others won’t. It’s up to the grieving person to decide. The most important thing to do when someone we love dies is to talk about it and not to bottle up our grief. Sometimes we worry that people may get fed up with listening to us; we worry that they may get bored of listening but we still feel the need to talk. There are some very good bereavement groups and organisations whose role is to listen and be supportive. Probably the best known national bereavement care organization is Cruse Bereavement Care.

cruse.org.uk
0844 477 9400
There are other bereavement organisations too; some local and some national ones. Your local doctor’s surgery will probably have details

My partner overworks. She’s happy doing what she does and she’s so fulfilled but it’s all she talks about outside of the kids. I’m happy in my job too but hers is her dream job and I don’t want her to feel I’m not supporting her but even when I try to talk to her about it she tells me it’s just for now… that while the business is there we have to make the most of it. I’m not a selfish person but it’s like having a third person in the marriage sometimes
Anonymous

Answer
This must be incredibly frustrating for you as your partner’s life seems to be way out of balance. It seems like there’s no time left for you. However, she may be anxious about the responsibility of her job. When people have already tried talking, sometimes it helps to talk again taking a different approach. Being supportive is important in any partnership but there’s a limit, which is where negotiating boundaries can become helpful. Calm, clear communication is often the key for couples.It may be possible to agree on times when it’s ok to work or talk about work, remembering to be reassuring and supportive. It may be possible to agree that there are times when we don’t talk about work; when the focus is on other things. Possibilities may be meal times, weekends and after a certain time in the evening. It’s all about calm, clear communication with balance and agreement; in a caring way

Next month I’m getting married to the man of my dreams and until last week I couldn’t wait. I felt so excited but then my Mum dropped a bombshell. She said she won’t come to the wedding if my Dad and stepmother are coming. She says I have to choose between her or my Dad. She’s angry and bitter and now I feel like she’s ruining my wedding, which should be the best day of my life.
Anonymous

Answer
Anger and bitterness can be incredibly destructive. If we allow ourselves to dwell on negative thoughts and beliefs they can cloud our judgment and adversely change our behaviour. They can also ruin our relationships.
When faced with manipulative behaviour we can try talking and sometimes this will help. If talking is unsuccessful though the only thing we can do is to process our feelings and move forward. Confiding in someone we trust is a good place to start; bottling up our feelings is never good. Then we can try to move forward, acknowledging that we feel hurt and sad but refusing to allow ourselves to dwell on the situation. Instead we can think about all the loving, supportive family and friends in our lives and be thankful. We can be mindful of all the good things we have in the present time and to look forward to in the future. To a certain extent make our own happiness.

I think my man’s depressed but it’s difficult to talk to him about his feelings. Every time I try he just clams up or changes the subject. Yesterday he shouted at me to leave him alone. He never usually shouts and he’s obviously feeling very low. I’m worried about him.
Anonymous

Answer
Some men grow up believing it’s not macho to talk about their feelings. They are brought up to believe that feeling emotional is a weakness and unmanly. They believe it’s weak and unacceptable for them to cry or talk about their feelings; that they have to be strong at all times. These beliefs are deeply ingrained and are passed down through the generations, usually father to son. Men don’t know what to do if they get depressed because they feel so guilty and ashamed of themselves. When we try to get our men to talk about their feelings we need to understand these things and take a very careful approach. They need to feel absolutely sure we are not going to judge or humiliate them. Some men may need a gentle push towards getting some professional help.
We also need to make sure that our own little boys grow up knowing that crying and talking about feelings is normal and acceptable.

I worry too much about what other people think… I know we’re not supposed to care and just ‘be ourselves’ but deep down it matters to me. I know some people who are so carefree and don’t seem to be bothered at all by what others think… I wish I could be like them but I can’t get to a place of ‘uncaring’ what is thought of me and my family.
Anonymous

Answer
Most of us care to a certain extent about what others think of us; if we didn’t we would probably rather obnoxious! It’s how much we care that matters. This really begins with what we think of ourselves because when we are comfortable with who we are we tend to worry less about what others think. Perhaps deep down you don’t feel very likeable; if this is the case I doubt that it’s true so you need to challenge that belief. Keep telling yourself that there’s no good reason people wouldn’t like you; and keep going until you really believe it. Also, please remember that none of us are perfect; perhaps you expect too much of yourself
As far as family is concerned, we can only be responsible for ourselves. We are related to family but we are not defined by them and cannot hold ourselves responsible for their choices and behaviour.
Unfortunately, some people are judgmental which is not a particularly attractive or appropriate trait in anyone’s character. These are not the kind of people most of us would choose as friends. If there are judgmental people in your world, why consider them your friends; and if they’re not your friends why worry about what they think of you.