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Ten years ago, when I was 28, I had a very pretty butterfly tattoo put on the top of my left arm. I loved wearing strappy tops and dresses to show it off and it made me feel really good about myself. Unfortunately, in the last few years I’ve gained quite a lot of baby weight and I’m struggling to lose it. Also, my flesh isn’t as firm as it used to be now I’m approaching forty. I feel ashamed of my wrinkled tattoo and it’s causing me to lose my confidence and self- esteem. I feel so unhappy and I don’t know what to do about it.
Anonymous

Answer
It’s a shame that something that was pretty and helped you feel good about yourself has become the cause of such unhappiness. Let’s face it, when we are young it’s almost impossible to imagine that our shape may change and that our skin won’t look smooth and firm for ever. There are measures that can be taken concerning the tattoo, of course. Removal may be and option to consider though it’s said to be painful and expensive. Another option may be to keep it covered such as with sleeves.
There’s a deeper issue here that needs to be mentioned though, which is that true and lasting self-esteem comes from within; from feeling at ease with our-selves. It comes from liking and respecting the person that we are. Nobody needs to undergo cosmetic procedures in order to improve their self-esteem.
Low self esteem often comes from being bullied or abused in some way; even it’s mildest form can have a lasting effect. I can’t emphasise enough that it’s very important not to believe people who try to blame, accuse and put us down. That kind of behaviour, however low key, is a form of bullying and is unacceptable and inappropriate. We all know when we’ve said or done something wrong and we hold up our hands and are honest about it. We don’t need unnecessary criticism from others. It helps if we can surround ourselves with people who accept us for who we are and don’t try to change us. If we are kind, respectful, thoughtful people who want to get on with others then what’s not to like and accept!

I dread going to work every day because my job is so lonely and boring. I’d really like to get a new job but I’ve worked for the same firm for twelve years and every time I think about going to an interview I come out in a cold sweat. I don’t know what to do and it’s getting me down quite a lot now.
Anonymous

Answer
It’s important that we are happy in our work because work takes up such a large proportion of our lives. Most people find the job application and interview process anxiety provoking and even frightening in some cases. However, the anxiety is relatively short lived and so it may be worthwhile allowing ourselves to experience the discomfort rather than endure years of unhappiness in a job that is not right for us. Anxiety management and good preparation before a job interview can help us to feel more in control.

I haven’t spoken to my mother for five years but yesterday my brother told me she’s seriously ill in hospital. I don’t really want to go and see her because I still feel hurt and angry about things she said to me but I’m worried that if I don’t I might never get a chance to see her again
Anonymous

Answer
If you are worried you may never get the chance to see your mother again that seems to suggest you still love her. It’s understandable that you feel unsure about going to see her in hospital but just try to imagine how you may feel if you miss your last chance to speak to her. Clearly she has said things that caused you to feel hurt and angry but for how long do you plan to hold on to these negative feelings? Holding onto negative feelings such as these can only do us harm. Forgiveness isn’t easy, and can be a long process, but it can also set us free and help us to feel a lot better.

I’m worried about my daughter who’s 14. She used to be a sweet little girl and we were very close but now she’s become rude and grumpy. She used to talk to me about everything but now she either ignores me or clams up. I never know what she’s thinking and she seems to be so angry all the time. I know teenagers can be difficult but I must admit I didn’t expect it to be this bad.
Anonymous

Answer
This sounds like typical teenage behaviour but it has obviously come as a shock to you. I would try not to worry too much about her as you’ve obviously had a close relationship with her up until now.
Teenagers have a hard time. They believe they are more adult and mature than they really are so they want to push us away when we appear to be curtailing their independence. They will tend to push against the boundaries and punish us if we don’t allow them to have their own way. They can be stubborn, rude and secretive. However, they are trying to find out who they are, their bodies are changing and they are feeling very uncomfortable and unsure of themselves. They worry about everything and the peer pressure is enormous, and so is the pressure to do well at school.
Underneath the façade they need to know that they are loved and they need to be held within firm boundaries. Teenagers can often say hurtful things to their parents and the temptation is to verbally hit back at them. It’s important to try to avoid arguments and hurtful exchanges, however much we may feel like it. It helps to calmly point out that their behaviour is unacceptable and there may sometimes be an appropriate punishment, but boundaries should be clear and well explained from a perspective of love. Parents need to be consistent and firm but it’s best to keep the rules to a minimum with the main aim of keeping them safe. Eventually teenage behaviour settles down, if handled in the appropriate way, and relationships usually become close again.